It was an unusually dark winter night. There was no moon in the sky, and dense clouds covered the world. Even if I was stuck in the ass of a mole in its deep hole a hundred kilometers underground, I doubted it could have been much darker. Chinatown in Nuuk is really the end of the world!

I slowly turned left and strolled up the street, trying to avoid those street lamps that worked. Fortunately, they were just a few, which spared me the effort of zigzagging between the sidewalks. After about twenty minutes, I came to the Red Dragon, ready for my reckless assault, and looked around, pretty nervous.

The place was quiet, showing no signs of life. It was midnight, so I guessed most of its residents had already gone to bed. At least, I hoped so. Despite the peacefulness of the neighborhood, I still felt like heading for the scaffold. If something went wrong, I had no idea how I was going to save my poor ass without a car. I came in a cab, but I let the driver go because I obviously couldn’t tell him, “Will you wait for me, please, and ensure I’ve successfully stolen that Hondsu over there? Then you can go!”

I walked for another fifteen meters and cautiously approached the Amphibia. It was still parked where the jerk had ditched it, and I tried to look inside but couldn’t see anything because of the darkness. After a brief consideration, I hesitantly took out my searchlight. Using it was probably a stupid idea, but I had no other option. Without it, I had no chance of even locating the door lock.

I listened tensely for a minute and quickly flashed the light several times to orient myself. The car was really a 370z—the same as Sharon’s—and was locked. I had just finished identifying the vehicle when I suddenly had to stop my inspection prematurely because some voices echoed up the street. It instantly made me regret my decision, and even though they didn’t sound agitated, they were disturbing enough since they were moving my way. It almost felt like someone had been waiting for me to start my midnight activities to come busting my poor ass.

Silently cursing my bad luck, I retreated behind the nearby telephone booth and kneeled down. My stomach was aching, and I felt terrible about my late-night adventure. It actually wasn’t very likely that the Chinese had made an ambush for me, but I couldn’t scratch the possibility entirely. However, I soon realized it wasn’t the case. When the voices came close enough, it became clear they belonged to a man and a woman who were just taking a walk. They seemed to have had a couple of drinks too. I remained quiet in my hiding place and patiently waited for them to pass. After a few minutes, they approached me, and I crawled halfway around the booth because I wasn’t sure where they were going. I feared they might accidentally bump into me in the darkness. Not long after, I stopped hearing their voices and presumed they had turned into the next intersection.

I waited a little longer to be sure and then cautiously rose with the searchlight ready. I went around the booth again and was just about to go on with my midnight affairs when I heard something suspicious that made me freeze for a second time. However, the noise was rather uncanny now. It was coming from where the Hondsu was parked, and it resembled rustling of some sort, with occasional clapping and clicking. It was so strange that a whole bunch of crazy ideas immediately popped into my mind. Then I heard someone whisper indistinctly in the darkness.

“Goddamn it! What the fuck is going on here?” I asked myself, alarmed, retreating again. A creepy feeling started crawling up my spine, making me wonder whether someone might have come to steal the same car at precisely the same time as me. It would’ve been such an incredible coincidence! Then, all of a sudden, the mystery cleared up before I had even reached my old hiding place. An extremely bright light exploded for a second before my eyes, and it scared the shit out of me. It made me jump up, terrified, with my heart going for my throat and trying to come out to save itself individually. I was so shocked that I froze, totally unable to move.

The next moment, I saw a man and a woman embracing the nearby street lamp, not far from me. In fact, the man had embraced both the woman and the lamp in an attempt to convince his sweetheart to have sex with him right here—on the street. He had bared her breasts, but she was trying to pull her blouse down and talk him out of it. They were oblivious to my presence, and each time the dude pushed his chick to the pole, honking her tits, the lamp was flashing. After a while, the guy got really pissed off at it and gave the pole a heavy punch with the heel of his hand. Instead of turning off completely, the lamp crackled a few times and stayed constantly on. The man punched it again, but it refused to go back to normal, so this finally convinced him to give up the idea of having sex.

Meanwhile, I had managed to hide at last. The scene I witnessed reminded me too much of the time when Bobby and I had sex in my kitchen, only if it were us fooling around here, our roles would have been reversed: I would have been the one pulling Bobby’s blouse down, and she would have tried to talk me into having sex on the street.

I remained silent in my hideout until the couple had enough fun making out and finally left. Then I waited for another three minutes, just in case, and came out from behind the booth, cautiously approaching the Hondsu. To my annoyance, the situation was significantly different now. The stupid lamp was shining hideously in the darkness, and I had to steal the vehicle in the spotlight, so to speak. The damn thing refused to go off even when I kicked it a couple of times, so after a few minutes, I had to sigh resignedly and get started anyway.

First, I took out my special car-stealing toolkit, which I bought from the Chinese marketplace in Cuinnuicheec. There, they have all kinds of gadgets, many of them supposedly illegal, but they still sell them in open carts on the streets. Maybe the authorities didn’t know about that, or perhaps they just didn’t care—I wasn’t sure. However, after I started using the thing, which is to say after I tried using it, I thought of a possible reason. The gadget turned out to be utterly useless because not only did it look like a toy, but it also worked like one and probably was one!

I silently cursed the bastard that sold it to me and tried my other gadgets—the de-locker, the lock-breaker, and the intruder—in turn. The de-locker promisingly flashed a couple of times in my hand, indicating that it was ready for use, but when I put it closer to the lock, it shrilled so loudly that I jumped up, terrified. It was pretty weird for a car-stealing device to do this, to say the least! When I looked back at the thing, it turned out the indicator was on, and the display read “unlocked.” I pursed my lips, confused.

“Is it so easy these days?” I wondered, cautiously trying the door.

Alas! My enthusiasm was premature, and nothing had changed. The door wouldn’t move a millimeter even though I “locked” and “unlocked” it a few more times. Eventually, the display started showing weird Chinese symbols, and I totally lost count of the lock’s actual status. Not that it mattered much.

Disappointed, I threw the de-locker on the ground and moved on to the lock-breaker. The name of the device clearly implied how it worked. In the manual—thank god, it was in English—it read it was supposed to block the door-locking mechanism, but I wondered what would happen if it blocked it while the car was still locked. Nevertheless, I decided to try it, and as it turned out, all my worries were in vain because instead of breaking the door, the thingy simply broke itself. After less than a minute, the sticking needle jammed inside the gadget, and its case burst open.

I threw it away angrily and moved toward the intruder. By then, I was already so frustrated that I didn’t even wait for my next magical car opener to fail. I fiddled with it in my hands for a while; I pushed a couple of buttons to no avail, and when I assured myself I had wasted my money again, I ditched this one, too. Eventually, I ended up with the classics—the slim jim. I actually had no idea how to use it, but I had no other option. I pulled it out, thrust it between the glass window and the rubber seal, twisted it a couple of times, trying to catch what was inside the door, and that was all I did. Right at the next moment, I had to throw myself flat on the ground, forgetting about the Hondsu, the stealing, and everything else.

I heard a police siren howl, and shortly after that, flashes of blue light ominously tore through the darkness up the street. I turned my head to look up, desperate. The slim jim was hideously sticking from the car window, proclaiming, “Here! Over here, officer! Here’s the thief! Come and get him!” At the same time, all my useless gadgets lay scattered around me like the toys of a spoiled kid in a nursery school.

There was no time to tidy up my playground, so I quickly slipped under the vehicle, shivering. The howling siren came closer, and then the squad car sharply stopped with a nerve-racking tire screeching. In my hiding place, I almost stopped breathing.

“Well, that’s it!” I thought, devastated. “I’m officially suited in orange now for the rest of my life. I’ll be pursuing a career in prison—maybe writing the memoirs of my ruined life!”

To my surprise, however, the following events came rather unexpectedly, and they didn’t seem to involve me. First, I heard car doors opening, some feet trotting, and a few “don’t move,” “stop,” and “fuck me harder” cries—the last one not too relevant to the situation. Shortly after that, someone’s Chucks rushed by my face, almost stepping on my fingers, kicking the parts of the unfortunate lock-breaker around the place. The sound of car doors shutting followed, a siren howled again, an engine roared, and there were a few “fuck you,” “dirty pigs,” and “cum on me” cries. The last one was irrelevant again, and I presumed it was coming from an open window above the restaurant. After all this was over, the street returned to its usual state—dark and peaceful—and the change was so sudden that it felt almost surreal. It became so quiet that I could hear my heart beating.

About a minute later, anxious to know what was happening, I stuck my head out from under the car and listened tensely in the night. The neighborhood was lifeless again. I waited long enough to be sure and clumsily crawled out, still not believing my luck and glancing around for something solid and heavy. I knew that if I kept lingering here, I would surely end up in the backseat of the next police cruiser patrolling around the place, so I decided to do it like hair waxing—finishing my task as quickly as possible. Soon, I found what I needed. I grabbed a piece of brick from the sidewalk, stepped back to the vehicle, sharply pulled the slim jim out of the slit, and threateningly raised my hand, intending to break the resistance of the damn door once and for all. Right before I did it, I had to stop again because, this time, I heard a weird noise coming from the car itself—just an instant before I smashed the side window.

Surprised, I looked at the Hondsu and dropped the slim jim, cautiously trying the door. I pulled it very lightly, and surprisingly, it worked. The gadget had obviously done its job. I was so happy to see it that I hardly stopped myself from dancing around like crazy and crying, “Yes, yes, yes!” It felt like a great victory. I felt like Alexander the Great of car theft, but sadly enough, my sovereignty over the conquered turned out to be just as short-lived as his. Right in the next moment, the damn Hondsu shrieked like hell, its fucking alarm going off.

I jumped up, terrified for the zillionth time that night, and almost hopped onto the vehicle roof, desperately trying to muffle the noise. I couldn’t imagine what kind of idiot would turn on his car alarm before assaulting another! I looked around stupidly, and although the street was still empty, I anticipated trouble very soon. The Hondsu kept howling hideously, but I didn’t want to give up yet because I was so close! I had just initiated an attempt to persuade myself that stealing a car with a honking horn was actually an excellent idea when the situation changed again. It was more than expected, and it made me realize my time for decision-making had passed already. Suddenly, I wasn’t alone anymore!

A Chinese stuck his head out of a window on the fourth floor right above the restaurant and started screaming at me in his incomprehensible language. I looked at him, confused, but didn’t shout back because I had no idea what to say. I still had the piece of brick in my hand, and with it, I was resting my case pretty unconvincingly. Soon, the guy drew his head back in, and after that, two more windows lit up on the third and second floors.

I immediately dropped the brick and feverishly threw myself into the car to try one last time to fulfill my task. However, once inside, I panicked because I realized I didn’t know what to do. The display on the dashboard was dead, and the steering wheel was locked because the Hondsu was fully automatic. Meanwhile, the Chin appeared in front of the restaurant, but since he was alone, he hesitated there, which gave me a little hope. The guy looked like one of the kitchen “warriors” that challenged Chavez’s heavily armed thugs the previous day. He held a knife in his hand, but the more disturbing thing was that he also talked on his phone. After finishing his conversation, he quickly trotted toward my car.

I felt trapped because it was too late for a retreat. My eyes accidentally fell on the useless intruder half a meter away from me on the ground, and I impulsively kicked the door open to grab it, which happened just when the Chinese guy was already there. The bastard stopped abruptly, straightening up at first, but then he doubled up and fell backward, screaming and holding his groins. I snatched the intruder and slammed the door shut, and as I did it, I saw other Chinese running toward me from all sides.

Desperately and chaotically, I pushed all the buttons on the gadget, and to my surprise, this time, it did something. The indicator of the device blinked twice, and the car display sharply lit up. Unfortunately, that was all it did. No matter how wildly I hit the touchscreen, the engine still wouldn’t start. At least I managed to lock the doors, which was very good because, in the meantime, the entire horde of Genghis Khan was already hanging outside, trying to break the windows to get in.

Looking around frenetically, I wondered why the Chinese reacted so furiously at the stealing of this stupid vehicle, which wasn’t even theirs, and the thought they might have known it belonged to the shooter flashed across my mind. Maybe it wasn’t the owner who turned on the alarm, but them. Perhaps they were expecting some fool to fall into their trap after the accident last night, and now they got him!

Still cursing myself for being such a colossal idiot, I suddenly noticed the off-system emergency brake was pulled. Hoping it was the reason why the engine wouldn’t start, I released it feverishly. At the same time, I was praying to every god on this planet to help me. I was swearing that if I survived, I would quit my “blooming” PI career, migrate to Romania to become a shepherd in the Carpathians, and attend church twice daily for the rest of my life! Sadly, no god was listening to me at that moment, and the engine remained dead, with the situation getting more and more complicated.

And right then, when I had already given up every hope, the magic finally happened. The Hondsu shook abruptly, after which it slowly started moving down the street, following gravity. My heart skipped a beat, but then one of the Chins broke my rear window, and my optimism instantly evaporated. In the meantime, another bastard was working on the front windshield, but he was lagging behind schedule since the glass was laminated.

I frantically moved to the backseat and kicked the intruder as hard as I could. He flew out of the car, but unfortunately, my victory meant absolutely nothing. It was certain that the kung fu people would get in very soon simply because the vehicle was moving nerve-rackingly slowly.

I jumped back in the front seat and hastily went through my options without being able to concentrate much. It didn’t matter anyway since there was no way out of this mess. In fact, I had one option—to surrender, but it didn’t feel like an auspicious move because the warriors outside were outrageous. They were unlikely to treat me as a war prisoner. They would instead break my bones with their metal rods and cut my flesh into stripes with their butcher’s knives! As a last resort, I could, of course, kill myself so I didn’t fall into their hands alive, but such an act was too heroic for me, and besides, it wouldn’t solve anything.

I had just started thinking the situation couldn’t get any worse than that when it proved me wrong. A blue light unexpectedly flashed in the darkness at the end of the street, and I realized it was probably the squad car I had seen fifteen minutes ago. And I was moving right toward it!

“No, no, no! This simply cannot be happening!” I cried out, furious, frantically hitting the dashboard. It was too much, even for a Murphy! In an instant, I completely flipped out, unlocking the doors, jumping in the passenger’s seat, and rolling outside on the sidewalk without thinking.

What happened next remains a mist in my head to this day. It’s like an obscure dream provoked by the adrenaline rush, and I realized some of the details, but it was later when everything was over. I vaguely remember throwing myself toward my closest enemy, neutralizing him with a few highly effective jiu-jitsu movements, and capturing his metal bar, which I used to gain control over the next group of kung fu people swooping in on me. The jerks were so shocked by the unexpected turn of events that they froze in the middle of their donkey, shovel, and crescent kicks and held out their knives to me.

With them, I slaughtered the poor bastards, cut their ears off, and scooped their eyes out. I went to pin the cops who waited at the end of the street to the nearby trees with cleavers and then removed their tongues so that they couldn’t call reinforcements. After finishing all the scum outside, I stormed into the Red Dragon and exterminated every living creature in there, and finally, I headed back home, satisfied.

I was so tired that when I returned to my place, I dropped dead on the bed and didn’t wake up until noon the next day.

©2016 S.T. Fargo
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(www.stfargo.com)